Chapter 42- Dinner, Abbreviated

“Waah! Little Brother is so handsome! Let Big Sis pour you a drink.”
Tian slammed his hand down over his cup while trying to smile politely. “No thank you. I don’t drink wine anyhow. Try my Brother Wang.”
The young daoist pouted at him. She seemed to be having trouble properly tying her robe. Nothing strictly inappropriate, but with a strong implication that things could become inappropriate at any moment. Maybe by accident, maybe not, and wouldn’t it be fun to find out?
“How can I? You are the one I like. Besides, he has that slut Mei draped over him already.”
Implication be damned, Tian was about ready to drive her off with a stick. This woman wasn’t the same as Daoist Shu. Daoist Shu seemed to sincerely like him. This woman reeked of lies. He could see the coldness behind her eyes, and after a week of observing Daoist Steelshimmer’s mental manipulation techniques, this girl’s methods were simply too crude and obvious.
She was playing him. What her game was, Tian didn’t know, but he didn’t care to be played with regardless. He was about ready to flip the table and drag her out to the sparring ground by her collar. “Crushing the younger generation” was now a wholly appealing activity, and he was eager to get started.
They had been led to a luxurious courtyard, and as they traveled, they were bombarded by endless illusions. All pleasant, all beguiling to the senses, but all, also, intended to test the five juniors. It might not have been obvious if they weren’t warned, but with the Elder’s reminder, it was simply rude and exhausting. They had barely a minute to freshen up at the courtyard before they were swept to this even more luxurious banquet, and settled in around some ornaments of the sect with easy manners and poisonous mouths.
Tian had already tried the more socially acceptable scripts his brothers had provided for shedding unwanted female attention, and was about ready to break into what Brother Fu had dubbed “The Forbidden List.”
How did it go? “Sorry, dear, but I picked up something unspeakable and now when it’s not dripping, it’s burning.” Well something like that. Tian hadn’t treated any venereal diseases at the hospital, but he was still pretty sure he knew what the expression meant. But that would mean throwing his face, and while he wouldn’t normally care, it would be counter to their job at this banquet.
Besides, why the hell should he throw his anything to be rid of this… person? She should have taken the hint and scrammed already! There was something about her that made him itchy. Like she was giving his bones a flea infestation. His greasy people intolerance was getting worse.
“Fellow Daoist, I have never been good at subtlety so I will speak plainly. I am not interested in a dao companion at this time. I do not wish to become drunk or otherwise intoxicated. I would be interested in learning about your sect, but I do not think you are teaching me what your elders would wish for me to learn. Kindly leave me in peace.”
She gave him a dark look. “You would think some people would know how to appreciate kindness.”
“You would think that, yes.”
She snorted and shoved to her feet. Her robe was perfectly reset with two tugs, and she swept away without a backward glance. Tian controlled a faint shudder, then turned back to the table. He hadn’t managed to snag any of the duck yet, and it looked delicious with its thick, dark sauce.
“Does she really not interest you at all, Daoist Tian? She is rather pretty. Or do you prefer to be accompanied by a rougher sort? I’m sure we could find that too, if you liked.” The young man from the Five Element Sect across from him lazily fanned himself and sipped his wine.
Tian made sure he secured both duck and cucumber, drizzled them with the thick black sauce, and ate them. They were as good as they looked. Salty, fatty, sweet, savory, a little gamey, all set against the refreshing crunch of cucumber.
Once he had fortified himself, he looked up at the equally itchy young man.
“Fellow Daoist is more experienced than me. Which of your ugly sisters do you prefer roughing you up?”
It seemed the dreaded choking disease had reached the Five Elements sect, as the man managed to spill his drink on his robe and spray part of the table with a mouthful of wine at the same time. Fortunately, Tian was quick enough to get his bowl and cup out of the way before any harm was done.
“You, what? You!”
“Yes, me? Fellow Daoist, are you well? You are speaking gibberish and vomiting, you seem unwell. I’m not a doctor, but I know a little first aid. Tell me, is it an injury, or are you diseased?”
The sputtering turned worse. The young man shot to his feet, flushed, squeezing the fan so hard his knuckles whitened. “You, you, you!”
Tian frowned and quickly secured some fragrant pork belly. He had no idea how it had been made. Braised, perhaps? But it had the deep golden brown he associated with roasting or frying. It seemed to beg to be paired with the delicately steamed young cabbage. He filled his bowl high. He knew where this was going, and was determined not to miss out on such a delicious dinner.
“Is there someone we should call to take you away? That color isn’t healthy. Too much yang fire qi. Drink some cool water and take in the night air. The yin lunar essence is very soothing.” Tian’s advice was sincere, but he knew it wouldn’t be taken. Some people just refuse to be helped. He could feel his mouth running away from him, with the active support of his body. His brain seemed to be off for a bit of a tea break, and wasn’t involved in the decision making.
He bit into the pork belly. The fat gushed into his mouth, the meat was meltingly tender, there wasn’t a hint of foul or gamey aroma, and best of all, the skin shattered with the most incredible crunch. A moment later, the crunched skin seemed to dissolve on his tongue. Cooked food remained a holy mystery. Grandpa had been right-

Stolen novel; please report.

“BOY, DO YOU DARE FACE ME IN A DUEL?”
Ah. Grandpa had been right twice. He had said this would happen.
“Yes. But you might want to clarify when the duel stops, because if you mean a duel-duel, I shan’t be responsible for cleaning you up afterward.”
Tian thought of himself as a calm person, but this had been the most irritating dinner he could remember since he started eating cooked food. There was a whole long table of deliciousness in front of him, and he had all these useless, troublesome, itchy people stopping him from eating his way through it. Did they not like food? Or were they told to start trouble? He had a feeling it was the latter, and he was just so, so done with the nonsense.
And the Elders had told him how they wanted problems solved.
He quickly filled a bowl with a tower of the best looking food within easy reach and stowed it in his storage ring. He could properly enjoy it later.
“Brother Tian, again? I swear I was distracted for only a moment-” Brother Wang looked like he didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. “I thought Hong-”
“ALRIGHT YOU HIDEOUS BITCH, LET’S TAKE IT OUTSIDE!”
“Oh, it sounds like someone is challenging her now.” Tian nodded. “I don’t recognize the voice, do you?”
“How could I? We’ve been here for barely four hours.” Brother Wang sighed. “Come, Fellow Daoist Mei. I’m sure there is a place for exchanging pointers already prepared. Could I trouble you to show us the way?”
“Ehehe. You seem so calm about all this, Big Bro Wang.” Mei smiled up at Brother Wang and batted her impressively long eyelashes.
“Well, he has a history of this, you see. Brother Tian arrives in a new sect, and shortly thereafter, violence breaks out. I’ve learned to adapt, learned to adapt.” He shook his head, arm companionably around the slim waist of the cheerful Mei.
“And the girl laughing at Big Sis Bing?” Mei asked, leading them to a nearby square.
“Makes him look like a pacifist. Fortunately, I have always been a lover not a fighter. Oh, what a handsome sparring ground. I suppose the five elemental symbols are to be expected.”
They absolutely should be expected. The sparring grounds were rings, with floating elemental symbols spaced equally around them. Naturally, they were organized in the cycle of generation. Equally naturally, the elemental symbols were ten foot tall illusions carrying sounds and smells that matched their respective elements. Eye catching hardly covered it. And tapping subtly on a part of the brain most juniors wouldn’t even notice, was something else.
Tian didn’t grin, nastily or otherwise. He wanted what was about to happen to be a surprise. There was rich elemental energy under each of the elemental symbols. They weren’t doing anything at the moment. He had been warned about the Five Elements Sect’s love of setting people up. The array masters had shaped the field to their advantage. It was even ‘fair.’ Everyone could use the same energy. Hardly their fault if challengers failed to make use of it. A valuable learning experience for everyone, really living up to the term “exchange of pointers.”
In the same spirit of mutual education, Tian stood on the symbol for Wood, cupped his fist and bowed towards the fuming young man. Who, Tian only now realized, was also Level Seven. No nonsense about fighting above or below his level here.
“Ancient Crane Mountain’s West Town Outer Court Tian Zihao comes forth. I am eager to learn from Fellow Daoist…” Tian trailed off then rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry, you did introduce yourself, but I have completely forgotten.”
The young man gurgled with rage, ripping a handful of talismans out of his robe. Tian clearly heard Brother Wang’s hand slapping his forehead, and decided that was enough of a starting signal. His opponent agreed, flinging the paper talismans towards Tian.
The talismans were yellow paper with vivid crimson symbols drawn on them. They flew at Tian fast enough to hiss through the air. He couldn’t make sense of them, the elemental flow was too dense and moving in too complicated a pattern.
When in doubt, make the problem explode far away from you. Tian whipped his rope dart out and smacked the leading talisman. The thick dart head ripped the paper apart in a shower of multicolored sparks. Tian had to blink hard when he realized that the other talismans were dodging his rope dart.
“How in the hell is he managing that?”
The talismans got close. Tian had to quickly whip the dart around in a whirring circle to stave them off. There was another flare of light, and the talismans exploded. Thunderous, deafening, and a reeking cloud of dense orange gas floated barely six feet from him. He instinctively started to flinch away, but then-
A quick snake of vital energy darted under his feet, burrowing into the Wood symbol before starting striking out towards the fire node. A large array was being formed, stealthily and at speed.
“I was waiting for you.” Tian’s smile did not warm the hearts of anyone watching. He poured more wood qi into the channel with his Demon Pulling Art, drawing the energy from the node under the symbol and juicing it with his own vital energy.
There was a sharp explosion. Then silence. Then a keening scream.
“Brother Han!”
“Doctor, we need a doctor!”
As the orange cloud cleared, he saw the young man kneeling on the ground, folded over, covering his hands and arms with his body. Tian could see blood spilling onto the ground, seeping into his robes, filling the air with its stench.
“Brother Wang?”
“You blew up his geomantic compass while he was holding it with both hands. How, I don’t know. Fellow Daoists, can we end the contest here? I do not think the daoists have more to learn from this exchange.”
Tian nodded and cupped his hands towards the still kneeling Daoist Han. “Thank you for going easy on me.”
He crossed his wrists behind his back and looked away from the kneeling Han. He was being fed a potion and being bandaged. Judging from the lack of panic, he wasn’t permanently crippled. Tian exhaled a small sigh of relief. He didn’t know why the compass exploded either. It seems that overloading a formation can have seriously nasty consequences.
“How is Sister Liren-”
“Call me hideous again. Go on! Call me hideous again!”
“DAOIST HONG PLEASE STAY YOUR HAND!”
“Sure, I got two feet and don’t mind teaching this cow not to moo at people the messy way!”
The woman who challenged Liren was on the ground in a puddle of blood and teeth. It seemed that Liren objected to comments about her appearance. Tian couldn’t imagine why. Her hair had grown back, as had her eyebrows. There was more red in it now, which looked rather unique and lively. Anyone who called her hideous was plainly blind.
“Sister, if you take a loser’s words to heart, you are the loser even if you won the fight.” Tian called over. “Also… did you even take out your spear?”
“What kind of lunatic teaches a cow with a spear? Fine, yes, let’s end it here. Someone tell her when she wakes up that if she’s mad, be mad at the person who used her to probe me, then be mad at herself for being a dumb cow.”
Tian nodded in agreement. “Quite right, Sister Liren. The food has been wonderful at this banquet, while the games have been tiring. They must be incredibly idle, to be so bored with happiness. Shall we see if there are more challenges, or go back for the food?”
Liren walked over and stood next to Tian. “I can’t be bothered to keep going back and forth. ALRIGHT, FORM A LINE ON THE RIGHT. STATE YOUR NAME, HOW YOU PLANNED TO BE ANNOYING AT DINNER, AND WHO YOU WANT TO CHALLENGE. SOMEONE GET THE MEDICAL TEAM TO STAND BY WITH STRETCHERS BECAUSE NOT ONE OF YOU IS WALKING AWAY.”
The crowd looked rather wooden, and had gone silent. Brother Wang leaned over to Daoist Mei and whispered “Told you I was the fun one. Aren’t you glad you got stuck with me?”